The past couple of weeks has been the most disheartening time I've had in a long time. Due to not being able to exercise the way I have been for years, my stomach and all my muscles have become flabby and sort of disgusting. I hate it, but I really didn't think others had noticed or would care. I mean, I'm still not the 405lbs teenager I was but I have gained some of my weight back (10lbs. 10 damn pounds . . .) and it's a horrible feeling. But yet when I was 405lbs people didn't speak to me the way people have in the past two weeks. Of course, they talked about me behind my back, whispered and giggled and would do mean things, but hardly anyone had enough courage to say something to me. Probably because . . .I weighed 405lbs. I would sit on them and forget about it.
I wonder if people stop and think before they say something to someone. Does pointing out that I'm large make me more likely to be able to exercise? Does it take away my MS and give me back the functioning body I had almost a year ago? No. It doesn't. Why say anything at all if it isn't conducive to the situation? Telling me to get my large ass up off a sidewalk where I was changing shoes didn't cause me to suddenly be skinny and made you piss off and look like an asshole to many people.
Doing online dating after years of having what you thought was a loving relationship is hard. It's made a lot harder when you don't know what people are looking for anymore. I'm 30, not some 20 year old fuck bunny. I just want stability and compassion, humor and a decent amount of intelligence. I also don't want to feel like I'm settling because of my weight. That's what caused my first marriage and my first divorce. I'm better than that and I deserve better than that. Yet I feel I have to put a warning about my body on my profile (which too many don't read!) that explains that I am a big girl weight wise and that comments about my body will get you blasted because I'm too smart to put up with that shit. You would think saying that would be warning enough that rude comments will be treated like you're the scum of the earth, right? Apparently not.
How dare I, a fat girl, turn down what is a decently good looking guy who just happened to be the exact type of person I don't want in my life? How dare I, a fat girl, not want to send nudes because we aren't horny teenagers? How dare I, a fat girl, not be flattered by dick pics? That's pretty much been the running spiel I've gotten in the past few weeks. When guys have been interested and seemed decent enough to ask for a full body, fully clothed picture and received it, I get "you're misleading. You don't look that fat in your profile picture. You work angles to hide your body. I couldn't be interested in that."
First of all, my profile literally says I'm fat. Don't like it? Fuck off. It isn't misleading to literally tell someone that you're fat. You're the douche that shouldn't be surprised when the fat girl who says she's fat turns out to be . . .fat. Secondly, working angles is a myth. I lose weight in my face and neck first and gain it there last for whatever reason. So unless I purposely give myself a double chin and force myself to have bad posture, my weight isn't noticeable in a face selfie. It is noticeable in a lot of my pictures that aren't selfies, however. So I am not working angles. Finally . . .if someone cannot be interested in me because of my weight despite the fact that we have hit it off on a personality level . . .maybe that person should work on their own issues with body image and leave mine alone instead of slinging insults. I can understand body chemistry. I haven't had a whole lot of people I've been genuinely attracted to but the ones I have, their body and their personality have both been a factor. Yet I haven't felt the need to insult someone because I wasn't attracted to them. I have just simply explained to them that the chemistry wasn't there, but I felt like we could be great friends since we have so much in common. Sometimes it has worked out just that way. Sometimes it hasn't and we ended up not talking again. But I sincerely hope that I have never made someone feel bad that I wasn't attracted to them, no matter the reason.
Anyway, due to the insulting behavior of men in the past couple of weeks, I've been facing something I haven't felt in a long time: shame. I feel ashamed of my body. I feel ashamed of being ashamed. I've been on the body positive, I'm a warrior for women who feel insecure about their bodies and are being made to feel that way by others, path for so long that I feel hollow to feel this way again. It's compounded by the depression of being sick, I understand that, but it doesn't help or hurt knowing that. Things that haven't always been this hard for me, because I haven't ever been this immobile by force and not choice, so it's been an even bigger struggle for me. Not only is my weight an issue for some people but it's an issue I absolutely can't fix anymore. And that is in on me and my body, but it shouldn't be commented on people who don't live my life or want to be a part of my life. My body is mine to deal with and their criticism isn't needed. I know this, but events like the past two weeks' worth of stuff makes it hard to keep that in line, to keep focusing on what I can do and not on what I can't.
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