Reality Hits Hard, Hit Back

Realization: I will never be "thin."

Hit back:  I can and will be fit.  Every time I see a few certain members of my family, I hear "my God, you've lost weight!  How many pounds?"  They aren't being fake or insincere.  They are really asking because they're family and they know how hard I work to shed even a pound.  None of us are crazy.  The realization that I will never be thin is there.  I can be fit, though, and I am well on my way to getting to that point.

Realization:  I have no willpower.

Hit back:  I can work harder to counter that.  So I pig out on birthday-cake Oreos and chocolate milk.  I'll do a hundred more crunches, skimp on a meal I would normally pig out on, or walk for an extra mile to make up for it.  Having no willpower to refuse junk doesn't mean I'm a fatty or lazy.  It just means I have cravings I'm not willing to deny.  Deprivation makes you desperate for a day off, which leads to two days off, which leads to a week off.  

Realization: People will always hate on what they don't understand.

Hit back: Their ill intent has nothing to do with my self esteem.  I am going to lose weight and gain weight and work out and be less inclined to do so, because I am human.  People have a tendency to hate people who are over weight, classify us as disgusting or lazy.  Too few people realize there are physical ailments that keep people like me and thousands of others locked into the obese category.  The fact that they don't realize that and want to hate on me and others has nothing to do with my self-worth and self-esteem.  I am me. I will lose weight at my body's speed, be it slow or fast.  I can tell the pounds are shedding.  My family can.  If hurtful strangers cannot, then I do not care.  Sorry, Charlie, but your opinion only matters to you!

Realization:  Looking in the mirror will never not be painful.

Hit back: The mirror is a big fat liar.  The person in the mirror isn't who I am or who I want to be.  I am strong, I am capable, and  I am changing everyday.  Whether I see a pound or an inch gone in the mirror or not, I know if I've lost it.  My face may show signs of tears shed, smiles smiled, and stress but it does not tell you if the smiles were fake, the tears from joy or pain, and why I was stressed.   These are all the things that make me, me not the image I see in the mirror.

Realization:  I am not alone, but I am unique.

Hit back:  Someone out there understands some of what I'm going through. They might not get everything.  They might not understand.  They will sympathize because they know what it's like to feel alone.  If I reach out to them, someone will answer and if someone reaches out to me, I can respond.  There's not a situation in this world where I am completely alone in what I'm going through.  This was the best realization of all.

So Far Away

When my mom announced she was pregnant with me, she learned around about the same time that my older sister (her first born) was also pregnant with her first grandchild.  Though she was shocked, they carried on in their pregnancies, my sister got married to her boyfriend, and on my sister's 16th birthday, I made my appearance.  Just six weeks later, my nephew was born, making me an aunt before I'd ever really smiled my first smile.  In fact, I'd only been out of the hospital a week or so due to birth complications so I was still brand new to the family.  Suddenly, they were blessed with two newborns  so what did they do?   The only logical thing.  We shared cribs and playpens.  We had matching pacifiers and bottles.  Whenever my sister brought my nephew over, we were treated as twins and it should have stayed that way.   Unfortunately, fate has a way of screwing things up.

On the way home from a check up (I'm pretty sure, if any of my family reads this and I'm wrong, feel free to correct me) my sister's mother-in-law drove their car into the path of an oncoming train.  Everyone in the car, by all rights, should have died and no one did.  This is proof to me that God really does watch out for people, even the ones who don't believe in Him.  Though everyone was hurt pretty bad, my nephew, Bobby, was crippled.  The infant car seat, built to protect him, smashed the back of his head in, crushing his brain.  He survived but we'll never know for sure how much pain and suffering he was in for the next 23 years of his life.

You see, when I was learning to walk and he should have been toddling beside of me, Bobby never got to set his feet on the ground.  He was bound to a bed, a chair, a wheel chair all of his life.  No doubt he would have towered over my 4'11 frame if he had been able to stand, yet I carried him on my hip, because he weighed no more than the average toddler.

When I was learning to baby babble, speak full sentences, give speeches, Bobby struggled to get out simple words.  He could say "bite", "Bobby do good", "Tickle", and on the rare occasion, "Mama."  At one time, before he lost some capabilities to complications, he could say "Nik" which was an abbreviated form of my name.  I used to almost cry hearing it so I can imagine the emotion my sister felt on the few times that she got to hear him say "Mama."  Usually it was screamed in anger and frustration, just like most toddlers do.

While I was learning colors and shapes and watching cartoons, Bobby was left in a sightless, blind world.  He never got to see the colors of the rainbow or have a favorite cartoon character.

Things didn't go the way they should have for Bobby and me.  We should have been able to play tag in the front yard.  Instead, I came in to baby sit him and played patty-cake.  We should have been competing for the best grades and awards in school.  Instead, he was confined to one room in the school house and never learned anything.  Our mothers should have prom pictures of us looking embarrassed yet excited.  He should have been there to see me walk across the stage and I should have been there for him too. He should have been there when I walked down the aisle to the man of my dreams and I should have gotten to see him date the woman of his.  Knowing that he could have experienced all of these things with me, but a cruel accident kept him from it and, finally, took him from us way too young leaves me feeling like a part of me needed to do things twice as well, remember and cherish every moment twice as much so that I was living my life a little bit better and more for him.  

Bobby was the glue that held my sister's family together when nothing else could, kept her from falling apart, and everyone knew that.  What they didn't know what how much he kept me here, grounded in reality and not willing to give up, because if I didn't experience life for him when he couldn't, who else would?  He gave me a purpose when I had none as a teenager.  My only regret is that I let life keep me from being as close to him in the few adult years that he had.  I started avoiding him, resenting him, and now I'm left with a void that a closeness to any other individual will never fill.

"Plans of what our futures hold,
Foolish Lies of Growing Old
It seems we're so invincible,
The truth is so cold,
A final song, a last request,
A perfect chapter laid to rest,
Now and then I try to find,
A place in my mind,
Where you can stay, stay awake forever"-

"So Far Away," Avenged Sevenfold.

Tattoos, Body, and Beauty.

This past weekend I got a beautiful white ink tattoo.  Anyone who knows me knows I love body modification-any form-and the more tasteful and elegant it looks, the more I'm into it.  While I've been preached to for the past four days that it's going to disappear, that it is going to yellow, and that it'll basically be invisible after the healing process, every time my eye catches the white calligraphy E adorned with a heart and a flower (I swear, it's so girly it'd shock most people) I feel a thrill like I couldn't believe.

All of my life, I've struggled with my body issues and self-esteem.  I have never felt beautiful.  Most days I struggle to feel presentable, no matter who tells me otherwise.  Body modifications give me power over my looks that diet and exercise do not.  Diet and exercise takes time.  Body modifications are immediate.  While they might require healing, they instantaneously take me from feeling like an ugly duckling into someone unique.   After all . . .my body, my decorations.

I have always heard the belief that to get a piercing or a tattoo is a way of defiling your body.  I don't see how that is possible.  Defiling it would be cutting your skin for perverse pleasure, ingesting drugs or alcohol for the purpose of harming yourself, and abusing your body with gluttony and sloth.  I was once involved in each of those examples and now that I'm not . . . I know that tattoos and piercings aren't the same thing.  They're a way of beautifying the body and soothing the soul that anyone without either wouldn't understand. 

There's a line about the body being a temple and to defile it is against God.  I can understand that this is a probable train of thought for most Christians.  After all, this life and the body we live it in are gifts from God.  However, feeling ugly and unworthy in that body is not what anyone should feel.  To wake up everyday, able to smile at what I see in the mirror because I can finally see beauty in it, is how God intended for me to love my body.  I just needed a little help getting to that point and anything that bolsters that confidence in anyone else isn't something that I could ever consider defilement.

My girly, elegant, beautiful white ink tattoo.  My 6th and counting.

Fairy Tales For Every Little Girl

When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than a fairytale romance.  I wanted some guy to come along, handsome and strong, and sweep me off my feet.  I wanted a love that shocked and awed me everyday . . .but then reality struck.  I was not the fairy tale princess type of girl.  I was a Goth, I was obese, and I was smart-intimidatingly smart.  I was Ursula from The Little Mermaid, the Evil Queen from Snow White, and I was blocking my own path to my Prince Charming.

And so, I settled.  I settled badly for the kind of man that Prince Charming would have dueled to death with-the vile, evil, doom-plotting kind.  I disappointed myself and tried to live with it, never imagining that it could be better, or that I deserved better.  I still saw myself as Ursula, no matter what I changed about myself.  I was unhappy with me and felt I deserved to be unhappily married. I did not deserve my fairy tale ending.

One day, after years of enduring his unappreciative attitude and evil ways, I woke up.  Not in that Sleeping Beauty kind of way, but like a coma patient finding their way to the surface kind of way.  I snapped out of it, so to speak, and kicked him to the curb.  Hey, if I was gonna be Ursula, I could at least do that on my own, right?

Wrong.  God had other plans for me.  In the middle of an ordinary life, He changed the path I thought I deserved into the one He'd laid out for me anyway.  He put someone in my life that, to this day, I still don't think I'm worthy of knowing and then took it one step further: He made this person my soul mate.  Everyday I wake up knowing I've been blessed just to have him beside of me and knowing that he feels the same way.  That was the key to it all, accepting that this is the person I was intended to fall in love with, that my Prince Charming was a tall, redheaded, sweet faced man with fascination with all things geek and that it was okay because I deserved to be loved.  Whether I wake up feeling like Ursula or Ariel, it doesn't matter, because he loves, honors, respects, and cherishes me anyway.

The thing I hate most about living where I live is that I hear too often that a preacher or a pastor will not do a wedding if one of the two people in the union has been married before.  They base this off of their own belief that God only intends for you to be married once and that is until death.  That no matter if you get a divorce or not, that you are still married in the eyes of God.  My husband and I were blessed with knowing a preacher who believed that everyone deserves second chances.

While the thought of still being married to my ex makes me want to puke, the concept of never being able to be with who makes you happy makes me sad.  It's a concept I would hate any girl to be brought up thinking because, people are imperfect and make bad decisions.  Young, female hearts are tender and susceptible to believing all types of things about themselves and ones they want to be in love with.  They should be taught that they deserve to be happy with the person they love, not that if they make a mistake or their hearts change that they should be stuck with a loveless, painful marriage. This shouldn't be what we teach children, that their happiness means less than an outdated religious concept.  The only thing we should teach is faith, loyalty, and the ability to recognize their own self worth.  With these abilities, there will be fewer second marriages to concern those who don't like them.  After all, every little girl dreams of having a fairy tale marriage . . . and she deserves the chance to have it, no matter if her Prince Charming is a little late showing up or not.

Thinspiration Vs. Reality

The two pictures above are . . .almost completely unrelated if you take out the fact that they are both beautiful women in bathing suits.  When I say beautiful, I mean in their own ways, though the pictures are both very striking. However, what I want to talk about is Thinspiration Vs. Reality.

Thinspiration is this trend going on online and in the real world where pictures of sickly thin women with "cut" abs have words that supposed to inspire someone to either work out or starve themselves.  The thing is, often more times than not, the women in the pictures are models or athletes who have bodies that aren't realistic . . .such as the woman in the first picture, which is by far not the worst I've ever seen.  Yes, she's a beautiful woman, but her body isn't easily attainable by most women without physically harming themselves or being born naturally pretty thin.  While it's good to want to be in shape, these ridiculous photos are harmful to women and young girl's mental and emotional health and should be banned and taken down.   I know that being a hefty young lady, these photos almost make me ill to look at and sometimes the quotes are just . . .judgmental and deprecating.

Reality is that as long as one is healthy and feels confident in their body that having a thigh gap, collarbones that make you look like a holocaust victim, and an 18 inch waist is unhealthy both physically and mentally.  I'm at a little over 200 lbs.  I'm not healthy.  I'm not hideous but I'm not gorgeous either.  The second picture is my ideal body frame for who I am.  That is my "thinspiration", not some unrealistic model with bones poking out obscenely and some crappy quote printed on it.  Those words do not inspire me and they do not deflect me from my goal. 

For any woman who feels like they need to lose a pound, or ten, or 100, I beg that you don't give into the peer pressure of "thinspiration" and that you lose the weight as I hope to do: gradually, healthily, and because you want to, not because society pressures you to do so.

Role Models Today vs. Role Models Past

Every child needs a role model.  Every child should be able to look up to their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and older siblings as such.  Unfortunately, in today's world, they often have to look outside of the family to find someone to emulate and, equally as unfortunately, those people are often as bad as the people they can't rely on, only in different ways.

When I was younger, the world was already a corrupt place.  Let's face it, the 80's-90's eras were not idealistic, no matter how fondly people remember them.  When you compare it to the age my grandparents and parents grew up in, where there were real problems that were faced by people who were barely adults with more grace than any adult now can handle a hang nail, they were the beginning of a downward spiral that continues today.  Society has changed a lot in the past 60 years or so and definitely not for the better.  These changes have made having a role model to look up to extremely difficult.  Instead of it being the grandparent that fought in the war and came back to raise five children with his housewife who only worked when they desperately needed the money, it's now some rapper who can't spell their own name right and has nothing more to talk about than shooting someone for the hell of it or spending money on scantily dressed hoes . . .or the hoes themselves, sadly enough.

Too many parents are on drugs, jobless, and unapologetic for their state of mind for children to want to grow up and be like them.  My parents worked hard for many years and if I have a quarter of their work ethic, I'll be just fine, and that used to be the social norm-parents worked hard to provide for their children and taught them the value of a dollar and how to earn it.  However, now I look around and see how many sloppily dressed, over stuffed, unappreciative, unemployed parents with multiple children who are either malnourished or obese, obnoxious, rude, loud, uncouth, uneducated, and dirty.  My god, bathing your children is like something people expect gold medals for now.  Ugh.  Seriously, soap and water, people!

If children are actually taught to dislike this kind of existence, they end up turning to the wrong kind of role model in their life-given there hasn't been a suitable presented to them and there aren't enough caring citizens in this world who make themselves available to be a role model to a needy child.  They turn to musicians, actors, characters, and people they see with money or fame to be their role models and that is not only unrealistic but also dangerous.  They learn that it's all about money and popularity and not how to rightfully earn either as a good person.

If they aren't taught to be disdainful of the life they've been exposed to, it increases the problem exponentially over time. The children who were raised to be horrible kids become horrible adults who don't know any better than to raise their children in the same way .  . . .so forth and so on. 

The reason why I thought of this is because a man cursed me out in drive through the other day . . .in front of his small grandson . . .because I asked him a perfectly reasonable question.  The first thought that popped in my head was that he was being a terrible role model for his grandson, showing him exactly how not to act in public.  Yes, I have a temper and I am sure that my future children will experience that for themselves and probably pick up on that behavior in time.  It will also be handed down to them genetically from both me and their father, I'm sure.  We're hot heads.  However, there is a way to act in public and there is a series of reasonable steps to take to make sure that the children in your immediate care don't pick up your horrible habits.  Also, you can pretty much take for granted that if I'm thinking you're setting a bad example for the child in your care, so are others.  If you're lucky, said child will think you're being an idiot too, and no better than to act that way, but . . .that all depends on how much outside idiocy they're exposed to. 

All in all, parents should want their children to be inspired and held up by their actions, not to learn how to be freeloaders the rest of their lives or to have to hold their heads down in shame.  Pride, both in self and in the family, should be the most often expressed emotion your children feel when they think of their parents and the way they were raised.

Unaware Parents Are a Pain.

Maybe it is being from a small town that makes me shudder to think of parents letting their children roam around unattended.  Maybe it is watching the news when I have the time to, seeing things online about baby rapists, or just my own over protective mama, but . . .

This weekend my husband and I went to Knoxville for my birthday celebration-we shopped and ate at Applebee's (a first for me and a treat as well because we're both on diets!).  While there I noticed this horrifying trend in mothers old and new alike-not attending to their children in crowded areas.  This has upset me so much for a variety of reasons but it's something I can't just let go-no matter how much my husband wishes I would.

First and foremost, I am not a mother.  I want to be with a passion that consumes my very soul and our every waking moment, but, sadly, I'm not.  Knowing this may make me seem like I'm just one of those people that you hear say "my children will never (insert ridiculous assumption here)" or "when I have kids I will never (see the latter)".  However, I'm hoping that any mother with some good, old fashioned, common sense will agree with me on this list.


Also, I know that pedophiles and kidnappers will take any and every opportunity to pick up your children.  Nothing you can do or say or precaution you can take will eliminate every possible opportunity that they can get.  Some will even go as far as stalking you and your children but that doesn't mean you should just . . .give them an open opportunity.

1. The bathroom is not a safe zone.

This really should be just . . .a no brainer, but letting your child either go in the bathroom by themselves while you sit and eat across a crowded mall food court or stand outside the bathroom door while you go inside isn't acceptable.  It is dangerous.  It is how your children get snatched right out from under your unaware freaking nose, people.  Just because you think "it's just a trip to the bathroom" doesn't mean your greatest fear should be if they washed their hands or not.  If they aren't able to kick, scream, bite, and claw their way to safety or you know . . .see above kneecaps to identify who has them . . .then by all means, accompany them in and out of the bathroom.  No one will think it's weird if you do and it certainly more neglectful not to do so.  I seriously stood outside of the bathroom for five minutes making sure a little girl didn't get snatched because her mother just left her standing there!  There were numerous people going to and from the bathroom but this mom didn't seem concerned at all.  In fact, she had no clue the little girl hadn't followed her in when she came back out. 

2. Just because you think you can hear them . . .

Doesn't mean that it is your kids you're hearing.  You may like to think that, but when you turn a screaming child loose to run ahead of or behind you in a crowded restaurant rather than carry their crying butts because it's easier on you and your ears . . .there's no guarantee that the sounds of children around you are yours.  No one is trustworthy, even people you see on a daily basis, so why are you letting them go, turning loose of their hands, setting them down to run ahead of you where you can't see them?  You're basing it on the fact that you can hear them but seriously?  One child's voice is not that discernible from another's.  It's not.  Sorry.

3.  Pedophiles still exist, your child is still not safe.

Just recently there was a news story about a man raping a baby . . .a four month old baby.  Do people not read the news anymore?  Do they not pay attention to the moral-less world we live in?  Pedophilia isn't a passing trend, it still exists.  No child is completely safe just because you think it can't possibly happen to your family.

I know you can't limit everything your children do but . . .use a little bit of that paranoid, mommy freak out instinct that you had when they were first born.  Keep your eyes and ears open for things that don't feel right and always have your children in a reasonable amount of distance from you. This also doesn't mean turning them loose in Wal-Mart with a couple of dollars to go find a toy to occupy them while you work is a good idea.  Just because you work there doesn't make it a safe area. 

4.  Do trust other mothers.

If they are picking their kids up and moving away from a situation or sticking close by their children, do it too.  There is a reason (that maternal instinct we just talked about) that they are doing so.  Whether it's the shady guy in the food court or just an uneasy feeling, they're protecting their babies, so you should too.  Dismissing them as just being paranoid may turn out to be a costly mistake.


5.  Baby leashes do not make you less responsible for what happens to your kids.

These things aren't a free pass to not keep an eye out.  In fact, in my opinion, they create lazy parenting.  You should be able to take your child with you without having to tie them to you.  If you have to use them (your hands are going to be full, you know you're going to be distracted, or you just feel better having one on them), then don't use it as an excuse to not be aware of what your kid is doing.  Still pay attention because that weight on the end of that leash is precious cargo.  By the way, kids are creative and intuitive and will find a way out of those uncomfortable harnesses if given half a second to do so.  Have a back up plan.

6. Have a back up plan.

Yes, I know I just said that but after writing it, I felt like it needed a point all of it's own.  Your child is hungry, they are cranky, they are bored, and you still have ten stores you want to go into and lunch to grab . . .have a back up plan.  Such as:  that pretzel place over there is cheap and has a play area.  Maybe my precious one would feel better after a snack and a tumble down the slide a few times.  Plus it has seats where I can rest my tired arms and legs and gather my wits from shopping overload.  How about that?  Turn them loose in a confined, control area, keep an eye on them, and  maybe it will be a little less stressful in the next few stores. You'll be less likely to let them run wild and they'll be less likely to try to.  Also that play area is far away from the crowded food court and near enough to the doors that you can pick up and go if you need to (at least in the mall I'm talking about. . .maybe your mall doesn't have this but I'm sure it has something else kid friendly).

7.  Care less about others, more about your kid.

I know that sounded harsh but . . .who cares if your kid's screaming is getting on my nerves?  Don't care what I think, care about a). what is making your kid scream?  b).  what is a reasonable solution to the problem?  Letting your child down to run around isn't reasonable because they are small and faster than you.   Try bringing them a toy or a blanket or something else to comfort them and they'll be less likely to try to squirm away from you or cause a ruckus that has you embarrassed enough to give in.

8.  If I'm noticing your neglectful actions, so are others.

I know this contradicts my previous point but there are certain others that you should worry about.
This includes:  the person who wants to pick up your kid and run and the person who can legally take your kids from you.  If either of them find the opportunity to do so, they will.  This is the perfect reason to be more careful about your children.   If your children's safety isn't your top concern (why?!) then at least let the way the world views you be.  Be worried that someone thinks you're a bad parent for leaving them on their own for longer than necessary and reports you as such.  Think being in a big city and no one knowing you is a safety net?  Nope, all they need is your tag number on your car to report you. 

9.  Being lazy isn't an excuse.

Yes, over weight mom of three who lets her three kids run ahead of her for ten minutes in a crowded restaurant because she simply couldn't keep up this applies to you.  If you cannot keep up with three kids, do not bring all three with you.  Do not endanger their lives because you are too lazy to move around some.  If you are getting winded walking across a restaurant there is no reason why you should have three active kids with you.  Only bring the ones you can attend to.

That isn't an option, you say?  Then don't stop to eat in a crowded restaurant.  Get food to go and take them to a park.  Get food to go and take them home.  Bring your husband or a friend who can help you and carry your small children.  The effort of holding them can be counted as exercise if you need it to, but risking your children's lives isn't excused by the fact that you are lazy.

I say this because I saw the same scenario at the Applebee's we went to.  A mother, easily twice my size (and that is big, people.  I am no tiny tot.), had her three small children there.  One was still in diapers and Stride right first walking shoes!  All three were practically running ahead of her and were seated where the hostess was patiently waiting on her a full five minutes before the mother huffed and puffed her way to the table.  In fact, the littlest girl fell, hit her head, and bawled while another man picked her up and put her in a high chair all before the mother got there.  I'm sorry, but . . .that's inexcusable.  The man could have just as easily snatched her and ran.  Why does this not occur to people?

Again, I know it is really easy for me to be judgmental because I don't have kids but . . .I have always been the kind of person to freak out over other people's kids.  If they get hurt in my presence, I console and comfort.  If they are sick, I offer anything I can to the parents to make the children feel better.  I am a bit of a creeper about kids too.  I will keep as close of an eye on a kid as their parents because I cannot imagine surviving the pain of having a kid and something happening to them.  Two sets of eyes are better than none, correct?  That's why some parents' (amazingly, all instances this weekend were mothers!) inability or unwillingness to keep a closer eye on their children bothers me.

Politically Correct Bull

Growing up in the South, things are said and done that could never be called "politically correct."  I've been insulted and put down most of my life by people who had no room to talk.  Of course, no one is perfect so no one has the room to talk about anyone else.  Least of all, no one has a right to judge anyone on things they can't help: weight, skin color, health problems, mental capabilities.

However, you have to also consider that people make mistakes and have bad days.  Things are said in anger and fear that people wouldn't say normally.  No one has a right to judge you on the things you say during those moments.  Those words aren't an indication of a person's personality or how they think toward another person. They're simply a reaction to a stressful situation.

Now what I'm really talking about is this:  Recently the Food Network fired Paula Dean because she, one time years ago in an extremely stressful situation, used the "N word."  First of all, who cares?  I'm sure every person on this planet has said a word they weren't proud of, especially out of anger or fear.  She's not God, she's not a role model, she's a human being who should be allowed to make mistakes without losing her job over it. 

Secondly, how is this word offensive in today's world?  When you have rappers and so called musicians of color who call themselves this word every other breath, why would anyone else take offense to it? I understand that's kind of like my "I can call myself fat, but no one else better do it" feeling but here's the thing: she wasn't trying to insult a race of people, she wasn't trying to hurt someone. She was reacting.  I'm sure she's been called names before, but you don't see her demanding those people lose their jobs over it.  I'm not saying that any person did demand that, I'm saying that she shouldn't be held up to any standard greater than that of any other person.

Thirdly, how does this effect her ability to do her job, therefore making it the Food Network's business?  Oh, that's right, it doesn't!  Imagine that.  She said something years ago, she apologized for it . . .that doesn't effect her ability to boil a pot of water or smear butter on a turkey.  That's what Food Network pays for her to do.  I'm sure people realize she's southern and grew up in a southern world, where racism was (and sometimes still is) a social norm.  Should she have known better than to call a person a bad name?  Sure, but so should tens of thousands of other adults who do it on a daily basis.  The fact of the matter is that manners are a thing of the past in a lot of families and social graces are almost obsolete.  The fact that she apologized for what she said (albeit maybe years later) is far more than what many adults in the South would have done.

With all this, I have to say I'm not a fan of Paula Dean's show.  Her Southern "charm"  seems a little too fake to me.  I grew up and live in the South.  I don't have an accent, I don't slur my words, and I'm not uneducated.  For her to appear to be any of these things, or imply that other people in the South are by default, is a little annoying.  In fact, I cringe every time I hear her say "y'all".  However, some of the down home country dishes I find her in cook books remind me of things my granny used to cook.  I like her cook books, her recipes, and her cookware, but I'm not a fan of the show.  If I can watch it on mute, then I'm good. 

Paula Dean has made the Food Network a more popular channel all by herself (yes, I realize there are other shows on there but you have to admit that she is, by far, the most popular) and shouldn't have been fired for a mistake from years ago that she apologized for.  Unless one of the CEO's could identify with what she said and felt insulted, it really shouldn't have been anyone else's business.  Personally, I hope she finds some way to make the Food Network pay for their "politically correct" injustice.

Etiquette for Going Through Drive-Thru, Vol 2: All about the money, money . . .

Alright, since it seems like there are way more pet peeves about public service than I realized, I decided to compile another list of them.  These are more than just pet peeves, though: the rude, the crude, and just the senseless of things that I see specifically at the cashier's window.

1. Your body parts are not wallets, people.

This means money does not go in your socks, under sweat bands around wrists, and (ladies!) not under your breasts. You sweat.  You reek.  You get your money sweaty and stinky and then I have to touch it.  Imagine me wiping my sweaty pits on money and handing it to you.  Disgusting right?  Well, it's the same concept. 

Now, that being said . . .here's a logical part 2.

2. Money in mouth=

People's booby sweat and feet funk in your mouth.  Yeah.  Great image right?  That twenty dollar bill you stuck in your mouth and then handed to me was probably under some overweight Nascar-wife's boobs.  Ick and Ew. Not only that but why are you putting money in your mouth?  I have pockets, I have a purse, and I have two hands.  If at any time these places aren't available for money-holding purposes, I will lay my money down before putting it in my mouth.  Money is dirty.  Your mouth isn't clean to begin with.  I don't want your germs on top of the sweaty booby germs.

3. I don't make the prices. 

Seriously, I don't.  I simply take your money.  The prices are on the menu.  Read them, look at the money in your pocket (or mouth . . .ugh), do the mental math.  Hell, break out the calculator if you really need to, but bitching at me for the price of something will not make the price change.  Trust me, if you're paying $1.50 for a Coke, chances are I am too.  If I had the power to change that for you, why wouldn't I change it for myself? 

Going with that is number 4.

4. I don't make you pay for this stuff.

Again, I have no control over this.  If you want to order a Nonfat Sugar Free Vanilla Latte with extra espresso, then that's what you're going to pay for.  I'm not twisting your arm and making you pay for these things, so quit glaring at me and acting snotty when you pull up to the window.  Joke's on you, guys, cause you're doing this to yourself.  If you don't like the long line, the prices, the way the greeting at the speaker sounds, no one is forcing you to eat fast food everyday.

5. Ads don't dictate every price in every store in a franchise.

Oh, drinks are advertised for $1.00? The ad says "at participating locations"?  Guess what?  We're not participating. I, again, cannot control that.  If you would, once again, read the menu before ordering you would see that.  The prices aren't in some foreign language. Also, just because you see it for a dollar in Knoxville or Barbourville doesn't mean I'm automatically supposed to give them to you for that price.  Guess what else? I can't.  The buttons are preprogrammed and I can't change it. 

6. If you short change me, I have to pay.

You dumping your money on the ground on "accident" isn't as funny as you think. Neither is half-ass counting your change, tossing it in at me, and driving off.  Once the shortages reach a certain amount, they have to come out of my paycheck.  That crap adds up and I really don't want to buy your breakfast.  If I did, I'd offer.

7. Yes, the toys are cheap, but they're free.

I know that sounds weird.  Here's the deal.  Go to McD's and buy a 4-piece nugget, small fry, and small drink. It will cost you more than the price of a happy meal. This means that when you put it in a happy meal, yes, you're getting the toy free.  The toy is cheaply made, but it's not supposed to be made to last.  It's just supposed to be something that pacifies and coaxes your children into eating.  And yes, if you come multiple times in a week, you'll get the same toy but if you bring it back to me or another worker, we can try to exchange it for you.

Once again, if I offended someone, oops! 

Etiquette for Going Through a Drive-Thru, Vol. 1.

As a drive-thru worker, I see and hear things that could be considered pet peeves . . .and then there are the things that are just down right rude.  It used to shock me that people were just this inconsiderate and lacking in manners and now it just ticks me off. So here are some things that people need to be aware of:

1. Put down the cell phone.

Seriously, put it down.  It may take you a total of 2 minutes to order.  The conversation you're having cannot possibly be so important that you can't put the phone down and order.  You screaming, talking, and having a conversation instead of ordering just holds up the line and causes the order-taker to get screamed out because you're talking instead of ordering. Not just that, but I know I have become incredibly privy to information I just do not need to know. That mute button only works on your end, guys, not mine.

2. If you don't know what you want . . .come inside.

There is this happy option of being to stand and stare at the inside menu for as long as you want.  No one will rush you and no one will care if you read the menu fifteen times.  However, in drive thru, you are slowing down the process of speedy service and that's the whole point.  Why even go through there if you don't know what you want?

3. You have to pay, act like you know this.

Your money doesn't disappear once you get in the drive thru lane.  You do not get your food for free at any time.  You have plenty of time to dig out your money before you get there, while you're ordering, and waiting in line.  Waiting until you get to the cashier's window and picking through dirty pennies is just . . .infuriating and rude.  Quit it.

Also, if your card is declined for whatever reason, me running it again is definitely not going to help. Getting mad at me does not help, either.  There's nothing I can do if you have no money.  If you don't have money, don't order.

4. Your bad day isn't our problem, don't change that.

Screaming at your kids, your spouse, your co-worker either in my ear or in my face suddenly makes me want to make your bad day worse.  If you want to talk about your bad day, I'll be more than happy to listen but presenting it to me in an auditory nightmare makes you seem like the bad person in all scenarios.   Cause I'd be mean to you or make your day miserable if I had to listen to yelling and screaming all day long too.

5. Your children shouldn't get a choice.

Okay, people might disagree with this one but if your children are still in elementary school . . .why are you giving them a choice in what they are eating?  You're the parents, you make the decisions on what they eat, not them.  Just because you're shoveling fast food in their mouths on a daily basis doesn't mean you need to let them dictate what junk they eat. Screaming at them because they won't make up their minds won't make them suddenly old enough to do so.  If you feel like you must give them a choice, limit the options: "orange drink or milk? . . .nuggets or hamburger?" Not saying "what do you want?"

6. The drive-thru lane isn't a trash can.

Your ashes will go in my face if you flick them out the window.  If you pour your left over soda out, bees will be attracted and will probably come in my window.  If you throw your cups and trash out, someone has to clean it up.  Yes, they get paid to clean up the lot but get real, folks.  They aren't your personal maids.  There are trash cans every few parking spots.  Throw your trash in there.

7.  Windshield wipers aren't magic.

The water must go somewhere.  If you have them on high, the water will most probably splatter right in my face.  Scratch that: the water does go right in my face.  Don't be a moron and think they are like little towels or dryers and the water just evaporates.  Don't make the lady at the window look at you like you're said moron and just turn the off when you get to the window. 

8.  Your screaming children aren't precious.

Granted, you may think so, but no one else does.  Just because you're in your car doesn't mean I can't hear them.  I don't want to hear them.  Sure, I know some kids cry for no reason.  I get that you can't always control that, but if you can't hear me over them and vice versa, pull out of line until they calm down.  Yelling back at them . . . well, see number 4.

9. Dually trucks, diesel trucks, loud motors, and boats are annoying.

Really annoying and really inconsiderate.  If you're not a farmer (or rancher), why are you even driving one of those trucks to begin with?  And don't act like you don't know that A).  They're effing loud and B). You aren't capable of speaking over them.  Shut the motor off or park and come in.

Boats make me want to scream.  If you can't drive with a boat, don't come through drive-thru with a boat.  Even if you can, just . . .don't.  They take up room that other cars could be in and they mess up our speakers.  Again, park it.

So that's it. really.  I will probably think of more things being as I'm working on my long stretch before a long weekend and I work the drive-thru everyday this week.  Now, I know some of it was harsh but it needed to be said. . .for the sake of my sanity.

Sunday Sermons

"Sunday, damn Sunday."
-Bus Driver (Petals in the Wind, V.C. Andrews)

I have a love for all things beautiful and nothing is more beautiful than a little old lady dressed up for Sunday sermon, with a Bible tattered and faded from years of reading, and carting her multitude of grandchildren behind her.  It makes me wish we still lived in a time when she'd have them tied to her with a piece of string, walking down the road to church.  Instead, her string has turned into a mini-van, and they're fighting over what kind of biscuit they want their granny to buy them at the drive-thru.  Even that can't take away from the beauty that is years of hardcore faith and resilience. 

That being said . . .

"Sunday, damn Sunday."  The day when the hypocrites that put Granny to shame come out in droves.  I'm sorry, but if you party all weekend, come through my window smelling of alcohol and looking blitzed out of all comprehension, please don't post things about being "blessed" on Sunday.  You are not blessed.  You are making a mockery of Christianity.

Yes, I understand that it isn't our place to judge but one has to wonder what kind of message this sends to other people.  Such as "I can do what I want Monday-Saturday and act like a saint on Sunday."  No, no, you can't.  I'm calling you out on it, right now. It's when you aren't ashamed of your religion Monday-Saturday and can walk in to a Sunday sermon knowing that you haven't been living a lie that you'll really be blessed-crying like a baby, singing, shouting, rejoicing Grandma blessed.

For the sake of the never-doubting grandmas who spend hours a week praying with faithful hope, for the years spent carting your dirty, rotten butts to church every Sunday, just . . .stop.

Fluffy Fashion Fail

This is the dress I bought . . .only I will not wear nude heels with it.  Ew.

Torrid is my . . .fat girl heaven, the queen of under 50 plus size clothing.  I call it the chunky girl's Hot Topic/Forever 21 because they have the freaking cutest clothes for plus sized girls I've ever seen.  I even have a few friends who envy the clothes made there because they only go down to a size 12 and go up to a size 32! Let's remember that a size 12 is a rarity in most clothing lines because they think it is too big. I am a fluffy 14 or a slim 16 in dresses, though let's be honest: 99% of that is bust size.  Last week I found a va-va-voom dress (pictured above) on the clearance rack that showcases that 99% and I just had to have it.

Now here comes the fail part:  I paid $30 for a sexy dress (spandex reinforced sexy, but still . . .)that would have normally been $120.00.  Yes, I got a steal, but I had to drive two towns forty-five minutes away and hunt forever for this deal and felt like I found buried treasure when I found it.  Why?  Because God forbid we have cute clothes that fit plus sized girls within a 20 mile radius of my small town.

That being said, I understand where some of these "first of the month" women are coming from when they can't find nice clothing to fit them and their wallet..  I get it, I really do.  What I don't get is why they think they must cram themselves into clothing that simply does. not. fit. Dear God, honey, if you wear a size 22, buy a size 22.  No, it may not be pretty, and it probably won't be flattering if bought in our small town but it will cover the aspects of your body in which I do not want to know about. It possibly cannot be as unflattering as showing off all 200+ lbs of you that only your significant other should be privy to. 


Also, there are ways of making not-so-cute clothing cute, personal, and flattering if you have five seconds to try. I have a large bust . . .I do not like shirts of any kind because there is no possible way to cut a shirt outside of being a turtleneck that it doesn't look "provocative" on me.  However, there are these cute little clip in booby-hiders at Wal-Mart $10 for 3 in the black, nude, and white.  I can buy a shirt and clip one of those on my bra: ta-da, a cute shirt that doesn't show everything I've been blessed with.  You want shorts for the summer and all they sell are daisy-dukes?  Make your own from those jeans you've been wearing all winter.  Or go buy a $2.99 pair from Goodwill and do the same. That 2xl shirt that looked so cute on the rack make you look pregnant?  Loop a skinny belt under the smallest part of your torso (mine is just under the boob line) and now you just look fashionable and not pregnant.

On the same note, while cramming yourself into clothing that definitely doesn't fit is painful for both your body and your ego, buying clothing a size too big is not flattering!  It makes you look like you're playing dress up in mommy's clothing! I know it is hard to get out of that "but what if I gain weight?" mentality, but you have to think of the present for some essential items: a good pair of dress slacks (too big looks sloppy), a nice office-apparel shirt (again, sloppy), a special-occasion dress (how can you feel special in a tent?), an old stand by that you can rely on to always look good in (be it a favorite blouse, pair of jeans, or a skirt/dress).  Buy it to fit or modify it (like the above suggestions) because no matter if you're a size 12 or a size 22, whether you shop at Torrid or Goodwill, you don't have to be a victim of fluffy fashion fails.

Advice from a Rewedded Divorcee

Just recently I married the man of my dreams.  We have both been married before so in this second go-around we're learning a lot about marriage, ourselves, and life in general. I'd like to share some of the things I know I've had to take into consideration.

1. Just Because You Failed Before . . . .

Doesn't mean you'll fail again. You're human, yes, and so is he.  But God put you on this Earth to live and love and learn. You'll both fall short daily but it is a learning experience in how to not make that same mistake again and if you do or he does how to forgive yourselves and each other.  Don't expect this marriage to fall apart over little things or even big things just because the last one did.  You're a different person married to a different person.  Embrace that fact, learn where to draw the limits on your expectations, and carry on.

2. Relax, Laugh, Enjoy

It's 3:30 p.m. and Mr. Right will be home in ten minutes.  Dinner isn't cooked, the house is a mess, and you're grumpy, frumpy, and just not got it together.  I've been there, your mom has been there, your best friend down the road has been there, honey, so don't sweat it.  Relax about the house-you'll get it done in your own time, Laugh about how you look and feel-if you laugh about it so will he, and Enjoy the time with your husband-he loves you not in spite of imperfections but because of them.

3. Give Credit Where It's Due.

He works hard and so do you-whether you're a stay at home wife/mom or a full time employee with a career on the fast track.  So when he comes home and does nothing, appreciate the fact that he had a hard day at work and when he comes home to mow the lawn and take out the trash, appreciate that too.  Thank him for the hard work he puts in and you'll find that he appreciates what you do too. 

4. Enjoy "Me" Time

He's taking off with the guys for the night or locked himself up in the den with his video games/book/geek hobby of choice? That's just fine.  Get you a good book, turn on your favorite drama show that he hates, or just do that thing you enjoy most.  It's okay to have individual time, you don't have to be glued together 24 hours a day.  I personally feel like there is nothing like quiet time with my husband, but I'm rarely quiet enough for him to enjoy it!  So when he retreats away into his own world (sometimes it's as simple as plugging in his laptop and spacing out right in the same room as me), I turn to my own hobbies and interests.  It also gives us something to talk about that spending every moment together cancels out.

and finally . . .

5. Let Go and Let God

I know, I know this is cheesy and cliché. But once again, God put this wonderful man in your life for a reason.  Let go of the bad things that happened in previous relationships and trust that God is in control.  You bad mouthed your ex, he bad mouthed you, you both know what happened.  None of this applies to the man you're blessed with now.  He loves you in a special and kind way that only he can and holding onto the past hurts him in a way he doesn't deserve.  It also creates problems that aren't really there.  If I thought about how hateful my ex was all the time, then I start to imagine my new hubby is acting the same way when really he's not. Let go.